


if i can't find the fake dating au i want i'll make it myself

by nonbinarybabadook



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, all of the trolls especially, kanaya's getting a phd in english and library science, not sure how many of the characters will be relevant enough to be given their own tag figehd, rose has an english degree but her mom is so loaded she can do whatever the hell she wants, rose is an ice skater and equestrian, the rest of the cast makes appearances, this is absolutely a rosemary fic, very self indulgent fake dating au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28602684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinarybabadook/pseuds/nonbinarybabadook
Summary: When Eridan has the bright idea of making an app where people pay for the trolls to pretend to be their date or partner, it actually works out better than everyone expected.Really, Rose should be thanking Dave for setting this date up.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	if i can't find the fake dating au i want i'll make it myself

**Author's Note:**

> like the title says. if i can't find it, i'll make it myself. very self indulgent

‘ This is a terrible idea. ‘ 

When all was said and done, no one could remember who proclaimed it stupid in the first place. 

Eridan wasn’t especially convincing when it came to romance, but the idea was tempting. 

‘ Wait, you want us to… what? Become sex workers? ‘ Aradia in particular was skeptical. Followed only by Karkat, of course. 

‘ No! Not unless you want to have sex with people --- ‘ 

‘ You’re sinking rapidly, Eridan, ‘ Feferi warns, biting her nail absently. It’s unclear if she’s on board or not. 

‘ Look, it’s a not a sex app. It’s a dating app. Fake dating. We’ll get hired to pretend to be someone’s date for somethin’ --- a wedding, party, whatever. Then we never have to talk to that person again, or go on another fake date with them. I’m serious, people will pay us for this shit! ‘ 

‘ This is fucking stupid. ‘ 

‘ Karkat! Come on! Just give it a chance. You’re always complaining that we’re not workin’ as hard as we should or as much as we should. This app would mean extra rent money! A less restrictive budget! Fef and I could live something closer to what we grew up with --- ‘ 

‘ Don’t give me that shit again, Eridan, you know we’re all doing our best --- ‘ 

‘ And this could help with that! ‘ Eridan gestures wildly with his arms, looking only at Karkat while he argues the pitch. If he can get Karkat to just agree not to piss his pants in fury at the mention of the app, he’s counting that as a success. Of course, Karkat makes it difficult. 

‘ I think it might be a good idea, ‘ Feferi sheepishly adds, speaking more at her knees than the rest of the room. 

‘ You’ve got to be kidding me --- ‘ 

‘ None of us really have friends outside of each other! It’d help us meet people! And make money doing it! ‘ Despite being almost offensively incorrect with her personal life, the rest of the room shifts uncomfortably. It was true for most of them. 

‘ I don’t have that problem. ‘ Vriska’s input is unhelpful, and earns annoyed looks from several of the trolls in the room. 

‘ Having sex with people you meet at bars isn’t making friends, Vriska, ‘ Feferi sighs, flopping back dramatically. There’s no anger in her statement, more frustrated with the fact that Vriska chose to speak up at all. 

‘ Okay, bad example! Someone sensible, for the love of gods, speak up! Kan, what do you think? ‘

Kanaya’s brow raises from Eridan’s inquiry, expression smooth and neutral. ‘ What would the terms be? ‘ 

‘ Oh, come the fuck on, Kanaya, you can’t seriously be considering this! ‘

‘ Shut up, Karkat! ‘ Eridan gleefully commands, turning his attention to Kanaya, ‘ People would hire us to go places with them. Fake dates! Fake partners! We’d go to weddings, parties, human family reunions, anythin’ some loser who can’t get a date would need! ‘

Kanaya narrows her eyes at Eridan, and knows that her opinion will be the deciding factor in whether this will happen or not. Sighing, Kanaya presses her fingers against her forehead. She’s read far too many books about this to pass up on the idea. It’s practically a situation she’d normally beg to be part of. It’s her favorite trope. 

‘ Fine. I’m in. ‘

‘ Yes! ‘ Eridan yells in victory, punching the air happily. 

‘ I have several conditions before participating in this, ‘ Kanaya clarifies.

‘ Wait, _fussyfangs_ is agreeing to this dating app? Someone take a picture, I think this is history, Kanaya doing something without a stick up her ass! ‘ Vriska exclaims, sounding happier than Eridan.

Kanaya’s only response is a long, bored stare while the rest of the room glares at her. 

‘ Well, I’m interested! I think it could be fun! ‘ Feferi perks up to keep the rest of the trolls from leaving without interest. 

‘ I’ll do it, ‘ Aradia’s voice is a surprise for most in the room, Karkat and Sollux particularly shocked. 

‘ Seriously?! ‘ Sollux manages to look only slightly disgusted, but Aradia shrugs anyway, unbothered. 

‘ Seems fun. ‘

‘ What if the person that hires you is some kind of serial killer? Doesn’t " _being hired to go out with someone_ “ sound weird anyway? ‘ 

‘ I don’t know, that could be fun, too. ‘ 

Sollux looks like Aradia’s grown a third horn out of her forehead. ‘ Right now is the worst time for you to be making questionable choices. ‘ 

‘ Oh, come on, Sollux! We could make new friends! Go to fun parties! Meet people! ‘ Feferi pipes in, trying to help. 

‘ That sounds awful. ‘ Sollux declares finally, making it obvious he’s not participating. 

All Aradia’s able to do is sigh and headbutt his shoulder. 

‘ Great! So, who’s in? ‘ Eridan says loudly to reclaim everyone’s attention.

In the end, Aradia, Tavros, Nepeta, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska, Eridan, and Feferi end up agreeing to be part of the experience. Gamzee was immediately voted out by… mostly everyone, then Feferi and Eridan broke the news to Equius that he should sit this one out. Karkat absolutely refused to have anything to do with it. 

‘ Alright, now that we’ve agreed: terms and ground rules, ‘ Kanaya asks immediately after, treating this professionally, as usual. 

‘ Do we have to sleep with them? ‘ Aradia asks, twisting a piece of her hair into a tight line before releasing and starting again. 

‘ Not if you don’t want to, ‘ Eridan shrugs, sitting down and relaxing now that the hard part is over. 

‘ How are people even going to find out about us? ‘ Everyone seems content to let Kanaya and Aradia direct questions, looking back and forth between the three of them. 

‘ Social media, duh. If we’re desperate, put up fliers or something. Humans in particular are losers. They’re all over dating apps trying to find people that’ll pay attention to them. Human clientele will be easy to get. ‘ Eridan sounds so certain, that those without enough experience with humans are tempted to believe it.

‘ So what’re we going to be doing? Acting like their date for however many events or days they pay for, and that’s it? ‘ Despite his reassurance, Kanaya’s not settled with it. 

‘ I mean, you have have sex with them if you want to, but otherwise, yeah, that’s the plan. ‘ Eridan replies casually. 

Vriska snorts, not bothering to hide the grin on her face. As the most sex positive among the group, Kanaya assumes she’ll be delighted by that feature. 

Ignoring Vriska, Eridan continues on before they all collectively lose interest. ‘ All of your conditions are going to be yours, and your profile will mostly be made by you, too. ‘

Several brows raise at the last addition. 

‘ Mostly? ‘ Terezi pipes up, looking a little too interested in that part than everything else. 

‘ Some of you, ‘ he looks blatantly at Kanaya, ‘ won’t hype yourself up enough for people to be interested. Putting “ likes to read “ as one of your personality points isn’t going to rake in any money. ‘ 

‘ Fine, ‘ she bitterly agrees, glaring at Eridan. ‘ But I’m not having sex with strangers. ‘ 

‘ Hey, good with me, ‘ Eridan almost too gleefully agrees, popping up from his seat and clapping his hands. ‘ Who wants to help me convince Sollux to make the app? ‘


End file.
